Store Policy
The methodology, posted by the register where nobody reads it. Every rule below is actually followed, which is the least advertising-like thing on this website.
§1 — The Taste Scale
Every cereal is scored 0–10, decimals allowed. The scale is inherited from years of careful record-keeping and will not be changed, recalibrated, or explained. An 8.5 is a very good morning. Nothing has earned a 10. Nothing may ever earn a 10.
§2 — The Numbers
Nutrition is transcribed from the physical box and cross-checked against USDA FoodData Central where possible. Values are per stated serving. When a label doesn't state a value — protein %DV, poly/mono fats, added sugars — this store prints “not listed” rather than inventing a number. The FDA only requires protein %DV when a protein claim is made; most boxes stay quiet, and so do we.
§3 — What Gets Shelved
Granolas and healthier cereals, weighted toward things a functioning adult eats on purpose: flakes, clusters, high-fiber, high-protein. Neon marshmallow products are outside the jurisdiction of this regulatory body.
§4 — On Clusters
Flakes are only acceptable when accompanied by clusters. This is store policy. Complaints may be filed with the spoon.
§5 — Returns
All opinions are final. No refunds. Total regret: 0.00.
§6 — The Overall Grade
The Taste score answers one question: is it good. The Overall grade answers a nosier one — is it good for you, too. It is one part the spoon's verdict and one part the box's own numbers, split fifty-fifty with no thumb on the scale. Protein and fiber help; sugar hurts; only the figures printed on the label are admitted as evidence. A cereal that tastes like a birthday but eats like dessert lands mid-pack, and a virtuous brick nobody enjoys does no better. Grades run S, A, B, C, D, F, handed out like a strict lunchroom. S is a blue ribbon pinned on the single best box on the shelf — held by exactly one at a time, and taken away the moment something outscores it; an A is already a very good morning. Unrated boxes get no grade, because we will not invent a taste we never had. The formula lives in the code, not on this poster; change a target and every box on the shelf is re-graded at once.